Even though I finished editing my replication pape.

My American professor just invited me to be a rese.

My roommate makes the most fucking disgusting nois.

I went to my friend's graduation this morning, and.

So today was good albeit with mixed emotions on my.

So there is a squishable sale all day today so I t.

Holy hell, why are hunters so annoying to beat? O.

GUYS LOOK I'M COOKING ALL BY MYSELF BECAUSE I'M.

I was cleaning out my wallet because I just stuff.

I was hit by sad feels all of a sudden.

My little sister was rear-ended today.

There's this weird.dichotomous feeling I have so.

Just had a conversation that I might have accident.

I'm trying to do this bibliography for my professo.

Yesterday I noticed that I had a facebook message.

I had a dream where the doggie shelter advised me.

I went to the scholarship award night for my siste.

I hate waking up super early, still being tired as.

Which maybe is why that little voice still speaks so loudly. Even though I was (unintentionally) starving myself. So even though that wasn't the reason I stopped eating all of a sudden, part of me jokes about it was actually good because I lost all that weight really quickly. That I started to think my worth was linked to my weight and how my body looked. He didn't care to notice any of them, including this one. I guess all my little red flags about my own mental health and how broken I actually was just never spoke to him, truly. And I felt worse and worse and that was yet another thing he didn't really.take notice of. Because I had even said maybe a month before he dumped me that I was concerned about my weight being a reason he appeared to ignore me, so it kind of stuck with me. Even if the two may not have been linked, it still kind of sticks with me.

Lately I've been thinking about my partial mental resistance to any kind of weight gain and if it has anything to do with the fact that I was at my heaviest when the ex dumped me. I think I just need to fight against it and all. It's hard to ignore, and I'm getting better at recognizing it, but.it has so far proved impossible to turn off. Same thing with that voice telling me hateful things. Even though the other part of me hates it, because I get a ton of comments and concerned looks whenever I see people who haven't looked at me in a while. But part of me just can't help but think it is better this way. Stopped going to the gym and working out because I didn't have the energy to do anything let alone jump around and sweat for an hour. I know I should eat, and I know how unhealthy I have been in that department for the last year plus. That tells me I'm better off small and skeletal because it would be a better reflection of how I see myself. I guess it is also the same one which yells terrible things at me.

Part of me wants to eat only once a day and nothing more. I feel as though I should stick with the radically unhealthy habits I've developed. And then when I eat normally for a week or so, I feel as though I've engorged so much food that I should cut back.Įssentially, when I'm okay enough to eat like a normal human being - as in, my nerves don't act up and my stomach doesn't churn at the thought of it - a part of me still doesn't want to. Whenever I eat 'normally' (in quotes because my normal is still probably less than what normal people actually do have).I feel like I've eaten too much. It is something I've been concerned about ever since I started going to a nutritionist about my eating habits.

Blargh i am dead